AN INSULT TO ANIME Part One: Space Tranformers.

Director: Joseph Lai
Starring: Unknown
Writer: Unknown
Film Distribution: Home Video Production Inc. (Micro-Commando Diatron 5 Dub)
Year: 1985

Whether you call it Space Transformers or Micro-Commando Diatron 5, the shear fact this lame ass rip off of an excuse for Anime exists is torture in itself. I do not know why on God's Green Earth there were two dubs of this shitty Anime created as both dubs are very horrible. I can only conclude it was the hopes of the voice actors to produce SOMETHING worth watching thus redeeming themselves of their failed attempt the first time around. Regardless of such, Space Transformers/Micro-Commando Diatron 5 is still a piece of trash. I cannot believe the inanity of this film and its overall plot, characters, and bad animation. There were times the Animation was so horrid, I about threw up a few times! I am dead serious!

PLOT SUMMARY:

If you watch the Micro-Commando Diatron 5 version of this film, the plot is simply given away in the entire credit opening which renders watching this movie as pointless. Space Transformers/Micro-Commando Diatron 5 begins with a star ship in orbit around a planet whom we can only assume is Earth. Our ship's crew is waiting amid screens with no images except for the usual static. What are they waiting for exactly? A good portion of the first few minutes features us looking at the same stock footage of our crew looking out into space. Then we get a message from some chick in the static before going back to our onlooking crew. Finally we get to see some action which involves a group of asteroids attacking the star ship. These asteroids are so bad, it sends one crew member flipping back one once, but twice! These asteroids were so bad looking, I about got sick watching them! 

Then we see an enemy star ship which decides to play a game of "Now You See Me, Now You Don't" on the Crew of this ship. After horribly speaking like some badly dubbed Hong Kong Movie (No matter the version, it was made in Korea). After awhile, we get two crew members in the Mess Hall yappying away about nothing in particular. As they speak, a meteor heads to Earth.

On Earth, we see this whack job scientist, a guy named Jules and a girl named Bunny talking about the "Greatest Mind in the Universe" named Girl Genius (or Ivy depending on the version). As for the meteor from before, we see a dark figure coming out and then kicking ass and breaking necks of ineffective guards. The figure in question then finds Girl Genius/Ivy taking a bath which is where our mysterious villain shoots her.

Meanwhile back on the star ship, we get a missile attack by some villain who resembles a Gundam Villain. It seems Korea is the Capital of Knock Offs right behind Mexico! As for the Enemy Commander, he launches an attack using robots with pincers which tear the Heroes apart. There are also scenes of crew members being hurled into outer space from the pincers!

As this is going on, we find out that Girl Genius/Ivy is in the Hospital where some guy who looks like Groucho Marx is debating about what to do! Since we never know of his name, I am going to call the doctor Dr. Groucho. It seems Dr. Groucho has never seen anything regarding what Girl Genius/Ivy is going through. Unable to do anything, The Whack Job Scientist and Jules and Bunny are riding a tank of all things (seriously, a TANK!?) back home where we find these three have a giant robot in the garage being piloted by a red robot boy of some kind.

The Red Robot takes his giant robot to the stars where he kicks ass...only to be told to return to Earth because the Plot demands it and the fate of Girl Genius/Ivy is more important than an Alien Invasion. As this is going on, Dr. Groucho informs everyone the bullet had a virus which consists of something killing Girl Genius/Ivy from inside. Thus in order to fight whatever it is that is killing Girl Genius/Ivy is a shrink ray which makes things microscopic!

Wow! This movie has gone from being about an alien attack to a piss poor copy of A Fantastic Voyage!! During this discussion, two things happen: One, Dr. Groucho briefly loses his mustache and two, an Enemy spy some how escapes. After being shrunk down to microscopic size, the Red Robot, along with the Girl and the Guy head down into Girl Genius/Ivy and from then on, things just get strange.

Deep inside Girl Genius/Ivy's body, we find a world unlike any other as it features green men with horns on their heads as well as giant robots lead by some chick named Mary! Ugh, her voice is so horrid! Long story short, Red Robot gets his ass kicked and then suddenly our hero and heroine go into Girl Genius/Ivy and even more wonky things occur! It seems Bunny and Jules are enjoying an acid trip on their way to Girl Genius/Ivy's body. Yet again we are treated to a series of stock footage before we find out where Bunny and Jules are at in Girl Genius/Ivy.

From Science Fiction to offbeat Fantasy, we find our two main characters meeting a group of Robin Hood's Merry Men lead by a Moe Howard look alike named Somba!!! (I just wish he'd say,"Wise guy, eh!?" and knock the villians in the nose!) Later on, our heroes find themselves at a castle where a group of Link wannabes are picking food off the trees! Now its gone to being a bad Legend of Zelda rip off! There is no limit to how many rip offs this movie has it seems!! After hearing a bunch of nothing from the King who sounds just as bad as the rest of the characters in this movie, Somba, Bunny and Jules go off with a group of ten people or so head off to defeat the bad guys! 

It seems the Villains are making use of their captured prisoners as both slave labor and food for a giant squid type thing. Red Robot meanwhile despises the fact he is working for Mary, whose horrible animation makes her even more scary! At first, Red Robot does not want to do the work, going as far as to throw down Mary's dirty laundry. However, that gets the attention of a CamBot who records everything. Mary gets upset and sends Red Robot away.

As Red Robot is washing Mary's clothes, a would-be bachelor meets his end at Somba's arrow. I really wish Somba would say "Wise Guy, eh?! " and knock people in the nose! As a result of these attacks, we get word that the main villain who looks like a green skinned Spock informs Mary about the invading humans. Sensing his opportunity, Red Robot begins to beat the ever living daylights out of Mary which sounds more like a rape than anything! After receiving a much deserved beat down from Red Robot, our CamBot takes the liberty of recording the defeated Mary. As this is going on, Mary is upset at being filmed. Who could blame her considering the fact Space Transformers/Micro-Commando Diatron 5 is such trash?!

Bunny and Jules begin to come in and kick ass. Sensing an opportunity to save her ass, Mary thinks of selling out everyone else. However, Jules and Bunny follow Mary to the Green Spock Alien who sounds just like every other bad guy in this film. Jules wants everyone to free the White Army, even Somba who got caught as well! As with any villain who likes to go against their promises, the Green Alien then kicks Guy down to the Big Monster which Eats things. However, Jules kills the monster and escapes to find a Neutral Party who sells junk. 

It isn't before too long the Junk Collectors; named Crackle and Sherry offer to help Jules out in his quest to reclaim the Diatron 5. As Sherry is out getting water, she is killed by a group of villains. With this, Jules, along with Crackle engage the villains giving them another round of an asswhooping! Using his big robot, Jules begins to mop the floor with Mary and her forces. For the duration of this, we see Crackle shooting things and throwing grenades everywhere as Red Robot and The White Army escape the enemy fortress. The villains seem to get caught up in their screw ups as The Green Spock is caught up in Crackle's gunfire and the grasp of the giant Monster. Mary meanwhile meets her end by crashing into a support pillar. Upset over the loss of Sherry, Crackle remains behind the enemy base which blows up to the point where Girl Genius/Ivy wakes up!

Dr. Groucho then recovers Jules in his giant robot and the last minutes of the film feature Jules fighting off the alien invasion using missiles, lasers and stock footage which at times depict the giant robot flying backwards at times! After blowing up the enemy ship, this crummy movie ends!

COMMENTS:
Although this movie fared much better in terms of having a somewhat understandable plot, Space Transformer/Micro-Commando Diatron 5 still has a lot of questions which are left unanswered. Never once do we find out the name of the Aliens Invading Earth. Why they were invading is never answered either. Also, I ponder what the hell became of Bunny when Diatron 5 left the body of Girl Genius/Ivy!? Did she die or was she left behind!? We may never know...

OVERALL RATING: 4

Although this film was at least watchable to an extent, there are many things which put this movie off. The plot and its plot holes, the horrid voice acting and animation, its strange, yet understandable plot and lastly the fact this film takes so many liberties with ripping off other works. The fact we never see any of the Link wannabes and never once does Somba knock some villians around, angers me more than this crummy film. For all of those nerds into Anime who want a hilariously insulting addition to their collection, Space Transformers/Micro-Commando Diatron 5 is a film for you! If you are those who enjoys riffing into films, then this film has your name on it! Its that bad!

Ninja Vs. Ninja Review

Director: Nick Cheung
Starring: Kwan Cheung and Norman Chu
Writer: Unknown
Film Distribution: Unknown
Year: 1987

The origins regarding how I came across Ninja Vs. Ninja is rather an interesting anecdote. I remember when I was around 13 or 14 years of age when I first found this movie for sale Wal-Mart. I had the money and being a big Ninja fan, I figured it would be another addition to my collection of films. However, when I got home that night, my family and I were confused as to what was going on in this film. Nothing made sense and now we have a rule that whenever Ninja Vs. Ninja is playing, there must also be a six pack in the hopes of making this disaster of a film more enjoyable.

PLOT SUMMARY:

Plot...yeah if there ever was one, regardless I will do my best regarding this piece of trash. This movie has to got be the WORST movie ever made! I mean, I saw some really bad movies in my time, but...damn. This one really takes the cake. I mean even if I have seen a shitty movie or two, at least they had a plot you could AT LEAST understand. Ninja Vs Ninja is anything but a movie as there is a great deal of inconsistency with the plot, absolutely no character development, and such horrid special effects, music, acting, etc that just by the sheer act of watching the first five minutes is enough to tell anyone watching that this, for a lack of a better term, movie is a giant pile of crap.

I am seriously at a loss of words in what to write here as the sheer fact of even THINKING about this movie is enough to drain ones intelligence. So for the sake of creating a decent review, I am going to try the best I can in regards to explaining in depth as to why this movie is.

From what I could gather, this "movie" starts off by featuring a ninja training to the tune of some pathetic music. Then our Protagonist Ninja gets into a fight with another Ninja and then afterward, the two Ninjas talk about how the other uses his ninjutsu for money. (How else is he going to make a living? I mean if I were a Ninja, sure I'd want to make money doing it! Like charging a fee to protect someone or take out a bad guy here and there.)

Then we fast forward to a family scene where the wife is always cooking, the husband never leaves home for anything, and their son is so annoying that it drive you up the wall! Actually, it turns out that the husband is a cop and he is after a gang of thugs who operate...get this...out of their rundown, apartment that has the bad guys as roommates!

As for the ninjas, we then watch a scene where a group of ninjas massacre an entire family! As for our Protagonist Ninja, he arrives too late to be of any use as he simply is a poor excuse for a hero! It seems that our protagonist has NO IDEA he is in a shitty movie. Its like some ass of a director edited together various movies and then give it a catchy title just to make the gullible viewing audience watch the damn thing!

Next, we focus on our villains just sitting around doing nothing. However, there is this one villain who, by putting on some red tape, gains the ability to become resistance to any form of cutting, slicing or stabbing! Wow, I wish I could have some tape like that! I would become an instant bad ass! Uh...what does that have to do with the film? To make matters worse, we are then introduced to a villain who acts like a pathetic retard who has a porn fetish and goes on a rampage on a piece of paper. The reason being was the Villain saw something in a film that upset him. My guess is that the movie within a movie had a plot.

Oh, as for our Hong Kong Cop Character, there is a scene with him at home AGAIN, however, this time, he takes his family out to the mall. However there is something amiss as our antagonistic ninjas have a plot to blow up........The Women's Room! Ugh! After the bomb goes off, the Hong Kong Cop's wife and son are injured in the explosion. In retaliation, the Cop goes after the villains, eventually going as far as to kill the villain who wears the idiotic red tape. While the red tape may have worked on knives, it sure failed to withstand bullets.

Shortly later, the Cop's wife dies and he later learns his son will be blind from then on. The Cop goes off to reflect on these terrible things. Afterwards the Retarded Villain With A Porn Fetish returns and causes havoc on the hospital, taking the Cop's son as hostage. To make things even more moronic, is the fact that the Retarded Villain, and even I am at a loss over WHY, decides to put flowers in the child's hair and BLINDFOLDS him!

Yeah! You read that part correctly, the Retard blindfolds someone who cannot see!! Talk about a self defeating purpose!! If you take a blind person hostage, what good does it serve you, or your hostage, if you blindfold them!? THEY'RE ALREADY BLIND FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! The Cop then gets this idea as where he gets a nurse to pose as the Retarded Villain's "lover". When our stupid villain finds out he's been had, he goes crazy only to end his worthless existence by jumping out a window. I give credit to him for doing that as anyone would after finding out they were in such a pathetic movie like this.

In the last scenes we return to our ninjas, who for the most part appear sporadically in this movie! We find our Protagonist Ninja looking through someones underwear drawers! After finding what seems to be a tape, he runs out only to be ambushed by our main Antagonist Ninja one last time. In a cheesy ninja fight, our Protagonist Ninja beats the Antagonist Ninja so bad that all that remains of the villain is his ninja uniform! Victorious, the Protagonist Ninja runs off, Thus ending this god awful movie and leaving the audience to wonder what the hell just happened.

COMMENTS:

Now, as someone who values my eyesight, this movie made me very envious of the blind. It is just painful to sit back and watch this garbage. A few minutes into it and you couldn't help but feel the urge to gouge out your eyeballs. This movie is just that horrid! I cannot help but wonder WHAT WERE THE PRODUCERS THINKING!!? Come to think of it, the sheer fact I remember this GARBAGE is enough to drive me crazy! I probably did everyone who reads this blog a favor by watching this trash so you wouldn't have to.

Even after I watched this film, I still could not figure out the plot. I recall that several days later, my brother and my dad could not understand the film and found some parts so insultingly ridiculous it was hilarious! It seems that Ninja Vs. Ninja does not know if it wants to be a Hong Kong thriller or a Ninja film. Countless reviews I have read regarding Ninja Vs. Ninja have placed it in the "So-Bad-Its-Good" label of films where a movie sucks so badly its enjoyable in its own weird way. I looked hard to find anyone associated with writing this film and the film studio who created this piece of trash. However, I could not find anything. My assumption is that the writer does not want to be found regarding the fact he was mostly responsible for this worthless film.

Had Ninja vs. Ninja been done right, and I mean done right, perhaps this COULD have been a movie worth watching. All it needed was a plot, somewhat believable characters and maybe consistency. Sadly it is not there or anywhere in this worthless garbage. Based on the the fact the filmmakers ruined this piece of trash, I hold nothing but contempt for this pathetic excuse for a "movie" despite the fact its so horrid its good.


OVERALL SCORE: 1

What more needs to be said? Avoid this trash at all costs. However, if you are into shitty movies, for the sheer fact at laughing at their insanely idiocy, then this might be for you.