Director: Joseph Lai
Starring: Unknown
Writer: Unknown
Film Distribution: Home Video Production Inc. (Micro-Commando Diatron 5 Dub)
Year: 1985
Whether you call it Space Transformers or Micro-Commando Diatron 5, the shear fact this lame ass rip off of an excuse for Anime exists is torture in itself. I do not know why on God's Green Earth there were two dubs of this shitty Anime created as both dubs are very horrible. I can only conclude it was the hopes of the voice actors to produce SOMETHING worth watching thus redeeming themselves of their failed attempt the first time around. Regardless of such, Space Transformers/Micro-Commando Diatron 5 is still a piece of trash. I cannot believe the inanity of this film and its overall plot, characters, and bad animation. There were times the Animation was so horrid, I about threw up a few times! I am dead serious!
PLOT SUMMARY:
If you watch the Micro-Commando Diatron 5 version of this film, the plot is simply given away in the entire credit opening which renders watching this movie as pointless. Space Transformers/Micro-Commando Diatron 5 begins with a star ship in orbit around a planet whom we can only assume is Earth. Our ship's crew is waiting amid screens with no images except for the usual static. What are they waiting for exactly? A good portion of the first few minutes features us looking at the same stock footage of our crew looking out into space. Then we get a message from some chick in the static before going back to our onlooking crew. Finally we get to see some action which involves a group of asteroids attacking the star ship. These asteroids are so bad, it sends one crew member flipping back one once, but twice! These asteroids were so bad looking, I about got sick watching them!
Then we see an enemy star ship which decides to play a game of "Now You See Me, Now You Don't" on the Crew of this ship. After horribly speaking like some badly dubbed Hong Kong Movie (No matter the version, it was made in Korea). After awhile, we get two crew members in the Mess Hall yappying away about nothing in particular. As they speak, a meteor heads to Earth.
On Earth, we see this whack job scientist, a guy named Jules and a girl named Bunny talking about the "Greatest Mind in the Universe" named Girl Genius (or Ivy depending on the version). As for the meteor from before, we see a dark figure coming out and then kicking ass and breaking necks of ineffective guards. The figure in question then finds Girl Genius/Ivy taking a bath which is where our mysterious villain shoots her.
Meanwhile back on the star ship, we get a missile attack by some villain who resembles a Gundam Villain. It seems Korea is the Capital of Knock Offs right behind Mexico! As for the Enemy Commander, he launches an attack using robots with pincers which tear the Heroes apart. There are also scenes of crew members being hurled into outer space from the pincers!
As this is going on, we find out that Girl Genius/Ivy is in the Hospital where some guy who looks like Groucho Marx is debating about what to do! Since we never know of his name, I am going to call the doctor Dr. Groucho. It seems Dr. Groucho has never seen anything regarding what Girl Genius/Ivy is going through. Unable to do anything, The Whack Job Scientist and Jules and Bunny are riding a tank of all things (seriously, a TANK!?) back home where we find these three have a giant robot in the garage being piloted by a red robot boy of some kind.
The Red Robot takes his giant robot to the stars where he kicks ass...only to be told to return to Earth because the Plot demands it and the fate of Girl Genius/Ivy is more important than an Alien Invasion. As this is going on, Dr. Groucho informs everyone the bullet had a virus which consists of something killing Girl Genius/Ivy from inside. Thus in order to fight whatever it is that is killing Girl Genius/Ivy is a shrink ray which makes things microscopic!
Wow! This movie has gone from being about an alien attack to a piss poor copy of A Fantastic Voyage!! During this discussion, two things happen: One, Dr. Groucho briefly loses his mustache and two, an Enemy spy some how escapes. After being shrunk down to microscopic size, the Red Robot, along with the Girl and the Guy head down into Girl Genius/Ivy and from then on, things just get strange.
Deep inside Girl Genius/Ivy's body, we find a world unlike any other as it features green men with horns on their heads as well as giant robots lead by some chick named Mary! Ugh, her voice is so horrid! Long story short, Red Robot gets his ass kicked and then suddenly our hero and heroine go into Girl Genius/Ivy and even more wonky things occur! It seems Bunny and Jules are enjoying an acid trip on their way to Girl Genius/Ivy's body. Yet again we are treated to a series of stock footage before we find out where Bunny and Jules are at in Girl Genius/Ivy.
From Science Fiction to offbeat Fantasy, we find our two main characters meeting a group of Robin Hood's Merry Men lead by a Moe Howard look alike named Somba!!! (I just wish he'd say,"Wise guy, eh!?" and knock the villians in the nose!) Later on, our heroes find themselves at a castle where a group of Link wannabes are picking food off the trees! Now its gone to being a bad Legend of Zelda rip off! There is no limit to how many rip offs this movie has it seems!! After hearing a bunch of nothing from the King who sounds just as bad as the rest of the characters in this movie, Somba, Bunny and Jules go off with a group of ten people or so head off to defeat the bad guys!
It seems the Villains are making use of their captured prisoners as both slave labor and food for a giant squid type thing. Red Robot meanwhile despises the fact he is working for Mary, whose horrible animation makes her even more scary! At first, Red Robot does not want to do the work, going as far as to throw down Mary's dirty laundry. However, that gets the attention of a CamBot who records everything. Mary gets upset and sends Red Robot away.
As Red Robot is washing Mary's clothes, a would-be bachelor meets his end at Somba's arrow. I really wish Somba would say "Wise Guy, eh?! " and knock people in the nose! As a result of these attacks, we get word that the main villain who looks like a green skinned Spock informs Mary about the invading humans. Sensing his opportunity, Red Robot begins to beat the ever living daylights out of Mary which sounds more like a rape than anything! After receiving a much deserved beat down from Red Robot, our CamBot takes the liberty of recording the defeated Mary. As this is going on, Mary is upset at being filmed. Who could blame her considering the fact Space Transformers/Micro-Commando Diatron 5 is such trash?!
Bunny and Jules begin to come in and kick ass. Sensing an opportunity to save her ass, Mary thinks of selling out everyone else. However, Jules and Bunny follow Mary to the Green Spock Alien who sounds just like every other bad guy in this film. Jules wants everyone to free the White Army, even Somba who got caught as well! As with any villain who likes to go against their promises, the Green Alien then kicks Guy down to the Big Monster which Eats things. However, Jules kills the monster and escapes to find a Neutral Party who sells junk.
It isn't before too long the Junk Collectors; named Crackle and Sherry offer to help Jules out in his quest to reclaim the Diatron 5. As Sherry is out getting water, she is killed by a group of villains. With this, Jules, along with Crackle engage the villains giving them another round of an asswhooping! Using his big robot, Jules begins to mop the floor with Mary and her forces. For the duration of this, we see Crackle shooting things and throwing grenades everywhere as Red Robot and The White Army escape the enemy fortress. The villains seem to get caught up in their screw ups as The Green Spock is caught up in Crackle's gunfire and the grasp of the giant Monster. Mary meanwhile meets her end by crashing into a support pillar. Upset over the loss of Sherry, Crackle remains behind the enemy base which blows up to the point where Girl Genius/Ivy wakes up!
Dr. Groucho then recovers Jules in his giant robot and the last minutes of the film feature Jules fighting off the alien invasion using missiles, lasers and stock footage which at times depict the giant robot flying backwards at times! After blowing up the enemy ship, this crummy movie ends!
COMMENTS:
Although this movie fared much better in terms of having a somewhat understandable plot, Space Transformer/Micro-Commando Diatron 5 still has a lot of questions which are left unanswered. Never once do we find out the name of the Aliens Invading Earth. Why they were invading is never answered either. Also, I ponder what the hell became of Bunny when Diatron 5 left the body of Girl Genius/Ivy!? Did she die or was she left behind!? We may never know...
OVERALL RATING: 4
Although this film was at least watchable to an extent, there are many things which put this movie off. The plot and its plot holes, the horrid voice acting and animation, its strange, yet understandable plot and lastly the fact this film takes so many liberties with ripping off other works. The fact we never see any of the Link wannabes and never once does Somba knock some villians around, angers me more than this crummy film. For all of those nerds into Anime who want a hilariously insulting addition to their collection, Space Transformers/Micro-Commando Diatron 5 is a film for you! If you are those who enjoys riffing into films, then this film has your name on it! Its that bad!
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