Starring: Kwan Cheung and Norman Chu
Writer: Unknown
Film Distribution: Unknown
Year: 1987
The origins regarding how I came across Ninja Vs. Ninja is rather an interesting anecdote. I remember when I was around 13 or 14 years of age when I first found this movie for sale Wal-Mart. I had the money and being a big Ninja fan, I figured it would be another addition to my collection of films. However, when I got home that night, my family and I were confused as to what was going on in this film. Nothing made sense and now we have a rule that whenever Ninja Vs. Ninja is playing, there must also be a six pack in the hopes of making this disaster of a film more enjoyable.
PLOT SUMMARY:
Plot...yeah if there ever was one, regardless I will do my best regarding this piece of trash. This movie has to got be the WORST movie ever made! I mean, I saw some really bad movies in my time, but...damn. This one really takes the cake. I mean even if I have seen a shitty movie or two, at least they had a plot you could AT LEAST understand. Ninja Vs Ninja is anything but a movie as there is a great deal of inconsistency with the plot, absolutely no character development, and such horrid special effects, music, acting, etc that just by the sheer act of watching the first five minutes is enough to tell anyone watching that this, for a lack of a better term, movie is a giant pile of crap.
I am seriously at a loss of words in what to write here as the sheer fact of even THINKING about this movie is enough to drain ones intelligence. So for the sake of creating a decent review, I am going to try the best I can in regards to explaining in depth as to why this movie is.
From what I could gather, this "movie" starts off by featuring a ninja training to the tune of some pathetic music. Then our Protagonist Ninja gets into a fight with another Ninja and then afterward, the two Ninjas talk about how the other uses his ninjutsu for money. (How else is he going to make a living? I mean if I were a Ninja, sure I'd want to make money doing it! Like charging a fee to protect someone or take out a bad guy here and there.)
Then we fast forward to a family scene where the wife is always cooking, the husband never leaves home for anything, and their son is so annoying that it drive you up the wall! Actually, it turns out that the husband is a cop and he is after a gang of thugs who operate...get this...out of their rundown, apartment that has the bad guys as roommates!
As for the ninjas, we then watch a scene where a group of ninjas massacre an entire family! As for our Protagonist Ninja, he arrives too late to be of any use as he simply is a poor excuse for a hero! It seems that our protagonist has NO IDEA he is in a shitty movie. Its like some ass of a director edited together various movies and then give it a catchy title just to make the gullible viewing audience watch the damn thing!
Next, we focus on our villains just sitting around doing nothing. However, there is this one villain who, by putting on some red tape, gains the ability to become resistance to any form of cutting, slicing or stabbing! Wow, I wish I could have some tape like that! I would become an instant bad ass! Uh...what does that have to do with the film? To make matters worse, we are then introduced to a villain who acts like a pathetic retard who has a porn fetish and goes on a rampage on a piece of paper. The reason being was the Villain saw something in a film that upset him. My guess is that the movie within a movie had a plot.
Oh, as for our Hong Kong Cop Character, there is a scene with him at home AGAIN, however, this time, he takes his family out to the mall. However there is something amiss as our antagonistic ninjas have a plot to blow up........The Women's Room! Ugh! After the bomb goes off, the Hong Kong Cop's wife and son are injured in the explosion. In retaliation, the Cop goes after the villains, eventually going as far as to kill the villain who wears the idiotic red tape. While the red tape may have worked on knives, it sure failed to withstand bullets.
Shortly later, the Cop's wife dies and he later learns his son will be blind from then on. The Cop goes off to reflect on these terrible things. Afterwards the Retarded Villain With A Porn Fetish returns and causes havoc on the hospital, taking the Cop's son as hostage. To make things even more moronic, is the fact that the Retarded Villain, and even I am at a loss over WHY, decides to put flowers in the child's hair and BLINDFOLDS him!
Yeah! You read that part correctly, the Retard blindfolds someone who cannot see!! Talk about a self defeating purpose!! If you take a blind person hostage, what good does it serve you, or your hostage, if you blindfold them!? THEY'RE ALREADY BLIND FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! The Cop then gets this idea as where he gets a nurse to pose as the Retarded Villain's "lover". When our stupid villain finds out he's been had, he goes crazy only to end his worthless existence by jumping out a window. I give credit to him for doing that as anyone would after finding out they were in such a pathetic movie like this.
In the last scenes we return to our ninjas, who for the most part appear sporadically in this movie! We find our Protagonist Ninja looking through someones underwear drawers! After finding what seems to be a tape, he runs out only to be ambushed by our main Antagonist Ninja one last time. In a cheesy ninja fight, our Protagonist Ninja beats the Antagonist Ninja so bad that all that remains of the villain is his ninja uniform! Victorious, the Protagonist Ninja runs off, Thus ending this god awful movie and leaving the audience to wonder what the hell just happened.
COMMENTS:
Now, as someone who values my eyesight, this movie made me very envious of the blind. It is just painful to sit back and watch this garbage. A few minutes into it and you couldn't help but feel the urge to gouge out your eyeballs. This movie is just that horrid! I cannot help but wonder WHAT WERE THE PRODUCERS THINKING!!? Come to think of it, the sheer fact I remember this GARBAGE is enough to drive me crazy! I probably did everyone who reads this blog a favor by watching this trash so you wouldn't have to.
Even after I watched this film, I still could not figure out the plot. I recall that several days later, my brother and my dad could not understand the film and found some parts so insultingly ridiculous it was hilarious! It seems that Ninja Vs. Ninja does not know if it wants to be a Hong Kong thriller or a Ninja film. Countless reviews I have read regarding Ninja Vs. Ninja have placed it in the "So-Bad-Its-Good" label of films where a movie sucks so badly its enjoyable in its own weird way. I looked hard to find anyone associated with writing this film and the film studio who created this piece of trash. However, I could not find anything. My assumption is that the writer does not want to be found regarding the fact he was mostly responsible for this worthless film.
Had Ninja vs. Ninja been done right, and I mean done right, perhaps this COULD have been a movie worth watching. All it needed was a plot, somewhat believable characters and maybe consistency. Sadly it is not there or anywhere in this worthless garbage. Based on the the fact the filmmakers ruined this piece of trash, I hold nothing but contempt for this pathetic excuse for a "movie" despite the fact its so horrid its good.
OVERALL SCORE: 1
What more needs to be said? Avoid this trash at all costs. However, if you are into shitty movies, for the sheer fact at laughing at their insanely idiocy, then this might be for you.
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